4 qualities of a keeper: how to recognize a good guy

When it comes to marriage, don't settle. Read on for the non-negotiable traits in your future husband.

I have a dear friend who was once vivacious and cheerful. As a teenage girl, she had a promising future. She was beautiful, warm, smart and talented. She dated a lot and was widely admired. She had "the pick of the litter" as far as guys went. In college, she met a charismatic guy who made her laugh. He swept her off her feet and they married.

Soon enough, she found out that Prince Charming was really a sociopath. She stayed with him for the sake of her children and suffered in an unhappy, abusive marriage for many years before leaving.

Marriage is a hugely exciting prospect, but when you're in love with someone, sometimes your emotions can cloud your judgment. Maybe he's a fun guy, but is he worthy to take your hand in marriage? Can you imagine him as the father of your children?

Of course, you don't want to spend your life with "Mr. Blah," but bear in mind the long road ahead. Before committing to the wrong guy, consider the following all-time top four qualities of a keeper. Remember, this is your future we're talking about!

• 1. He is kind to young children and old women

A guy who is both tender with kids and respectful to the elderly is worth a second look. I have a brother-in-law who adores my kids. Even after having children of his own, he makes my kids feel special and cool. He loves roughhousing with them and blending fruit smoothies for them. Every year, he prepares an elaborate Halloween bash, complete with a homemade piñata, games, prizes and creepy decorations. His children, nieces and nephews are nuts about him.

Similarly, a guy who is a gentleman to his mom and other women is a keeper. A man's behavior toward women says volumes about the type of person he is.

• 2. He is willing to get his hands dirty

When the car stalls or the gutters need cleaned, it's sure handy to have a manly guy around. Even if your guy isn't a skilled mechanic or handyman, it's nice to have someone who will dig in and not shy away from hard work.

A guy with a strong work ethic will teach your children the value of hard work. Don't settle for someone lazy or someone who won't pitch in to help maintain your home. A man who extends a helping hand to others is someone worthy of your love, too.

• 3. He isn't in love with himself

Steer clear of the guy who moons over himself. You know — the guy who never saw a mirror he didn't like.

Who wants to spend her life with a vain man? It's fine to want to look nice, and no one wants to be with a slob — but pay attention to your man's ego and make sure he's not a slave to fashion (for example, too hipster) or his physique. You don't want a selfish or narcissistic hubby.

• 4. He is honest

When you've snagged an honest man, you can be assured of several things. Your husband won't be unfaithful to you. He'll be true to his co-workers, boss, friends and family members. He'll be upfront in his financial dealings. When he makes mistakes, he won't hide them from you because he is a man of honor.

You'll enjoy peace of mind and feel more secure in your marriage with an honest man.

Each of these four attributes points to another attribute: humility. Find and marry someone who is humble, because he will regard you more highly than himself.

5 things to do in your first 5 years of marriage

When my wife and I walked down the aisle some few years ago, we were madly in love (and we still are), but we had no idea what we were getting into! I had just graduated from college the week before and she was still in school. Most of our friends thought we were crazy, but we didn't care! We knew we wanted to be together and that was all that mattered.

Now, 12 years, three kids and a few pounds (on my part) later, I don't have a single regret, but there are some things I wish I would have known back then that would have made the first few years much easier! I've learned that marriages that start strong are much more likely to finish strong, so I've put together a list of five things that I believe every couple should strive to accomplish in their first five years of marriage. If you will make these a priority right from the beginning, you'll be in for a much better road ahead!

In no particular order…

• 1. Find some good "Couple Friends"

If you only have "his" and "her" friends and you spend your social time apart from each other and always hanging with the girls or the guys, you're missing a great opportunity to grow in your relationship with your spouse while also growing in friendships with other couples.

• 2. Make your health a priority

When I got married, I got kind of fat. I temporarily lost all motivation to eat right or to exercise and I dug a hole for myself that I had to work hard to correct. I've seen a lot of folks abandon their health early in their marriage and it can create a lot of negative effects on all aspects of your life and your marriage down the road. Find a physical activity that you enjoy doing together and then you'll get exercise and quality time all at once.

• 3. Develop a financial plan

We started off flat broke so we figured we didn't really have a need to budget, but our neglect of financial planning early on led to a lot of debt and the debt created stress and that stress put an unnecessary strain on our marriage. We've worked hard to get out of debt and it's been one of the best things we've ever done for our relationship, but it would have been even better to not make those financial mistakes in the first place!

• 4. Find a good church

Faith is the foundation that sustains a lifelong marriage. My wife and I made a commitment to get connected into a church right away and it's probably the single best decision we made. We volunteered together in a youth ministry, made some wonderful friends and grew in our understanding of how beautiful marriage and life can be when you do it God's way.

 5. Keep dating each other

Never stop dating just because you're married! Continue to create new memories and adventures together. Keep discovering new things about each other. Having a consistent "Date Night" is one of the biggest reasons our marriage is so strong today.

No matter how long you've been together, if you start now and put these principles into practice, I can guarantee that your marriage will improve!

5 MARKS OF A BIBLICAL WIFE

If you are a wife, then God has called you to a wonderful position. 

But at times, being a wife can be difficult and sometimes even overwhelming.  The struggles of life choke out our desire and occasionally even our ability to live out our Godly calling as wives. We look to the world to see how to fix our marriages and how to be wives, and our marriages end in divorce or we live in strife.

We need to look to the Bible and what God has to say on the subject in order to define what a Biblical wife is. While there are many things that God has called us to, I have identified just 5 of the many qualities of a Biblical wife.

1) A Worker at Home

It is clear that God has given the home to women as their domain. Men are called to lead and provide for their family and we are called to care for our home and our family. Women struggle with many different areas, but being lazy in your home and also being too busy and out of the home often can lead to a wife who isn’t fulfilling her role in this area. This is not to say that women should only be in the home, nor is it to say that they should never work outside of the home. As my husband always says, don’t hear what I’m not saying. What I am saying is this: a wife’s primary responsibility is their home.

We see that God calls women to be workers at home many times in Scripture (Titus 2:3-5, 1 Timothy 5:14-15) and we have an excellent example from the Proverbs 31 women and can learn a valuable lesson from her. She was always busy working within and for her home.

“She looks for wool and flax, and works with her hands in delight…She rises also while it is still night, and gives food to her household, and portions to her maidens…She considers a field and buys it, from her earnings she plants a vineyard…her lamp does not go out at night… She stretches out her hands to the distaff, and her hands grasp the spindle… all her household are clothed with scarlet…She makes coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple…She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies belts to the tradesmen…She looks well to the ways of her house, and does not eat the bread of idleness.”  Proverbs 31:13, 15-16, 18-19, 21-22, 24, 27

Instead of feeling discouraged at how much the Proverbs 31 wife does, we should feel encouraged by her example and strive to emulate her. God gives the home to us as our domain and we should strive to be hard workers at home.

2) Love

All Christians are called to generally love, but wives are specifically called to love their family. Older women are instructed to train the younger women in how to live a Godly life:

“And so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” Titus 2: 4-5

The kind of love that God calls wives to isn’t conditional and based upon feelings. This kind of love isn’t the kind that you can “fall out” of. It isn’t an optional love, it’s a commandment.

“Godly love is not primarily a feeling, it is a choice. It will help you show love if you will think objectively (Biblically), not subjectively (based on feelings)” 

3) Respect for your husband

Most modern TV shows and movies portray husbands as goofballs and not responsible enough to  do anything but sit around and watch football. But as Christians, we know that this isn’t what a Godly husband should look like. And yet, Christian women often treat their husbands like the wives on those TV shows. They scold their husbands and treat them like they are children. But this isn’t how God instructs Godly women to act.

“However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Ephesians 5:33

Often, when a husband loves their wives the way they should, it is easy for a wife to respect her husband. Likewise, when a wife shows respects to her husband, it is easier for them to show love the way they should. While this is usually a nice trade off, it doesn’t always work. Even if a wife doesn’t feel loved by her husband, this isn’t an excuse to not show respect to her husband. Why? Because God commands it.

4) Intimacy (response to husband)

Of course this is the big one, intimacy. So many wives struggle with this in their marriage and many husbands and wives feel less than satisfied in their sex life.The sexual bond between husband and wife is a gift from God for the enjoyment of physical intimacy and the procreation of life. All that God created is good, and physical intimacy is no exception.

God created sex within marriage, and He created it as gift for us. But some wives can struggle to see this as a gift and only as an obligation instead. There is a lot more to be said on this subject,  but the bottom line is that God does intend for each couple to have a sex life that is fulfilling for both husband and wife.

“Let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have  authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer” 1 Corinthians 7:2-5. 

5) Submission

Submission is such a touchy subject today, but it is clear what Scripture teaches on the subject. Those who find excuses in order to ignore it are doing just that, making excuses and not looking to Scripture as their final authority. In a Biblical marriage, where both spouses are striving to live their God-given roles, the husband would ideally lead his wife lovingly and she would graciously submit.

This leading and submitting would be mutually beneficial and ultimately glorifying to God. However, a husband doesn’t always lovingly lead and the wife doesn’t always graciously and loving submit. But this doesn’t excuse either side from their roles. Submission is a much bigger topic than can be addressed in these few paragraphs.

5 Marks of a Biblical Husband

Being a husband is a high calling, and should be treated as such. It is a wonderful role with many benefits and joys that go along with it. But being a husband also comes with a lot of responsibilities. It takes a character that has been molded by God and is in the process of continual improvement in order to successfully juggle the responsibilities and expectations that God has placed on husbands. Here is a list of 5 marks that men should work on and pray for God’s help in cultivating that will enable them to be biblical husbands.

Stewardship

Stewardship is the quality of one’s maturity and character, and how that maturity and character are acted out on a daily basis. One of the most common complaints wives have of their husbands is that they are not consistent with their roles and responsibilities within their marriage.

 ^“As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace” ~ 1 Peter 4:10

Essentially, stewardship means faithfully handling all that God has entrusted you here on earth. Within the marriage relationship, that is a lot. As husbands, God has given us a wife, children, money, time, possessions, and many more things that we are to steward faithfully.

Love

I am not referring to romantic feelings, or sex, or physical attraction, which are often thought of as synonymous with love. These often make up what people refer to as being “in love.” While these things can be great, they will ebb and flow with time. They are all wonderful things to have in a marriage, but none of them are unconditional.

 “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” ~ Ephesians 5:25

True biblical love is like Christ’s love for the Church. “A selfless and enduring commitment of the will to care about benefit another person by righteous, truthful, and compassionate thoughts, words and actions.”
Biblical love has no ulterior motive, nor is it a feeling. It is always thinking of the other person, which in this case is the wife.

Leadership

God makes it clear in the Bible that the husband is to be the leader in the marriage relationship. This is not worldly leadership, typified by the CEO of a company, or a military general, but Christ-like leadership, as modeled by Jesus in the scriptures.
A husband’s leadership is very different from worldly leadership. This is primarily because a biblical husband is a servant-leader, as exemplified by Christ. Although this sounds paradoxical, servanthood and leadership coalesce very naturally. Christ was the perfect model of a servant while at the same time being the ideal leader.

 ^“It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Matthew 20:26-28

This service oriented type of leadership that husbands are to display should be sacrificial in nature, and includes the ability to be decisive and to take action when needed. The primary purpose of a husband’s leadership should be to guide his family in righteousness.

Service

Simply put, service is humbly putting your wife’s needs before your own, consistently prioritizing her in the marriage relationship. A Godly husband is praying regularly for the ability to put aside his natural pride, and focusing on providing for the needs of his wife.

 ^“For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Mark 10:45

As was the case with the mark of leadership, Jesus is once again a perfect model for humble service. A husband should seek to have the mindset of Christ, that is, a focus on others without a desire for recognition or approval. Christ was always seeking to glorify God by selflessly serving others with no thought of his own needs. This is the mindset that a biblical husband should strive to have toward his wife.

Communication

This is a critical element, as poor communication is one of the biggest obstacles to a good marriage. The quality of a couple’s marriage is only as good as their ability to send and receive the correct message, right?

“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” Colossians 4:6

There are many components that make up good communication, both on the giving and the receiving end. However, I have found that husbands may tend to struggle in particular on the receiving end. We don’t listen well. That may be because we have a one-track mind, so when our wives start talking to us while we are otherwise occupied (watching the game, reading the news), and we simply don’t retain what they are saying. Or, it may be because we are so busy thinking about what our response is going to be that we don’t fully hear what they just finished saying.
Whatever the reason, listening is an important part of communication, and a husband endeavoring to develop good communication within their marriage should develop the ability to concentrate on what their wife is saying, refrain from interrupting, and carefully consider everything that is said.
#JasonBalmet.