9 signs you're not in the right relationship

Sometimes fears are your soul’s way of screaming that something is seriously off.

Shortly after I called off my wedding engagement, women flooded me wanting advice on how to know if a relationship was wrong. Although each circumstance was unique, one similarity stuck out to me from every conversation: There is a difference between getting cold feet and being in the completely wrong relationship.

Marriage is a huge deal. Having second thoughts should be expected. It is a sign you understand the commitment you are about to make. But sometimes, those fears are your soul's way of screaming that something is seriously off.

For those considering getting married, here are some signs that you might want to rethink your decision.

• You don't want to become him or her

In 20 years, do you want to be like your spouse? You adopt the qualities of those you hang out with. You don't have to be crazy about all of his or her mannerisms and quirks, but a good partner means he or she is someone you want to become like.

• You're trying to convince yourself

Your partner could be a great person, but still something in you just can't quite settle on the idea of being with him or her. While logically you might feel like this person has everything you are looking for, there is still something not quite there. You keep trying to convince yourself this is the person you want to be with.

• It's hard to imagine a happy future

When you imagine your life married to him or her, does your future seem happy? Imagining a future with your love should make you excited and hopeful. If that's lacking, why on earth would you want to commit to this person forever?

• A miniature him or her makes you cringe

Children grow up to be like their parents. Is this the person you want your babies to turn out like? If not, it's time to call it quits.

• Uneasiness overshadows the good

Even in the wrong relationships, you'll have beautiful days. That's because this person is (most likely) someone you love. At one point in your life you picked this person above all the others you could have dated. But if the relationship is wrong, eventually the days filled with anxiety about the relationship will start monopolizing the majority of the days.

• Petty criticism

If you are normally a critical person, skip over this. However, for those who rarely criticize people either behind their back or to their face, and criticism toward your significant other starts sneaking in, it's like a huge waving red flag. Practice only looking for the good in him or her each day, but if the criticism keeps going, it might be your gut telling you something is not quite right.

• Dreams betray your feelings

Consistently dreaming about your significant other doing bad things might indicate how uneasy you actually are about the relationship. It's like a sneak peak into your subconscious' opinion on this whole thing. While your significant other probably won't ever act this way, a pattern of bad behavior in your dreams can represent the anxieties you're suppressing.

• You don't like yourself

The most important relationship within a relationship is with yourself. If you don't love yourself, you can't show the love necessary to a spouse in a marriage. Make sure this person brings out the best in you – someone you enjoy being around as well. After all, you're stuck with yourself forever.

• Your gut says no

Deep down, when you're completely honest with yourself, how do you feel about it? You can't deny your gut feeling. I say go with your gut, even when you feel like logically there is no explanation for how you feel.

7 questions to ask before you get married

Are you spending more time preparing for the wedding than the actual marriage?

Choosing a spouse is one of the most important decisions a person will ever make, so it's a decision that needs to be approached with a great deal of prayer and planning. Sadly, a lot of couples spend more time preparing for the wedding ceremony than they actually spend preparing for the marriage that will follow, and they are so excited about getting married, that they don't take enough time to consider if they actually marrying the right person for them.

There are thousands of questions you should consider before entering into a marriage, but to help you out, I've narrowed it down to a few of the most important ones. This is a checklist of seven questions I believe every person should ask before walking down the isle.

• 1. Do I like this person?

I know that this seems like a redundant question, but it's really not. I talk to many couples who say that they "love" each other, but when you get past all those romantic feelings, there's no friendship at the core of the relationship. Marry somebody that you love to hang out with. Without a strong friendship, I believe a marriage is destined for failure. Don't just marry somebody you love…marry somebody you like!

• 2. Am I attracted to more than their looks?

Physical attraction is definitely important, but looks are going to change. That hot girl or guy you're staring at now is going to look a whole lot different in 40 years! You need to make sure you're drawn to who that person is, not just how that person looks.

• 3. Do I want this person to be the father or mother of my kids?

Before you get married, you need to ask more than "Do I want my kids to look like this person?" You need to ask "Do I want my kids to BE like this person?"

• 4. Can I be myself around this person?

This is huge. If you feel like you have to be somebody else around your potential spouse, don't get married! There's nothing more exhausting than pretending to be someone or something you're not for somebody else's approval. Your spouse should bring out the best parts of who you are but never try to change who you are.

• 5. Does this person strengthen my faith?

As a Christian, I believe God's design for marriage is that a husband and wife come together with Christ in the Center. Without Him at the foundation, the marriage will eventually crumble. Marry someone who not only shares your faith but also strengthens your faith. Your spouse should bring you closer to Jesus, not drag you farther away.

• 6. Do the people who love me the most think we're a good match?

If your family and friends who love you the most don't think you're good for each other, then please look past your feelings and weigh carefully if you're marrying the right person. You need a spouse who is going to strengthen your family bonds, not put a huge strain on them. If your family loves your fiancee, that's a great sign! If they don't, seriously consider your next step.

• 7. Can I stay committed to this person No Matter What?

We live in a world where people like to quit anything the moment it gets difficult. The core of your marriage isn't feelings which change…it's commitment which never changes. When you say "I do" what you're really saying is "I Will." I will be here for you and with you through life's ups and downs.

If you can find someone who stands up to these questions and you can do the same for them, then I believe that you're on your way to "Happily Ever After!" Pray hard, plan well and say "I Do" with confidence and joy!

12 questions you need to answer honestly before getting married

Getting married without pre-marital preparation is like starting a business without a marketing plan — it can work, but there will be more bumps than necessary.

Getting married without premarital preparation is like starting a business without a marketing plan — it can work, but there will be more bumps than necessary. Don't just wing it or count on luck and romantic attachment; start off right by discussing these questions together.

• How is your communication?

Communication is more than talking. It is a balance of talking, listening and understanding. It includes paying attention to what your fiancé is thinking and feeling. Good communication builds both parties up, increases self-esteem and is uplifting. Religious leader Theodore M. Burton said, "Couples interested only in themselves don't communicate. Lack of communication then becomes a major stumbling block in developing true love."

• How will you resolve conflicts that arise in your marriage?

Issues will arise in your marriage, so having the ability and willingness to talk about and resolve them together is important. Remember that the two of you were raised in different environments with different ways of solving conflict. Both ways may be positive and work, but they may also be very different. How you work through the conflict is more important than the conflict itself. As you learn to work together, you will learn the art of compromise and forgiveness.

• Who will be in charge of the finances?

The topic of finances is always tricky, and needs to be discussed together. Coming up with a budget and how the money will be spent should be a couple decision. Money issues are one of the top three issues in a marriage. When financial issues do arise, discuss them as soon as possible to prevent further issues.

• How will you share household responsibilities?

"Chores" — you know, the ones your parents made you do before you could go out on Friday night? These now become yours and your spouse's joint responsibility. Remember, your mother does not live with you anymore and your spouse is not your parent.

• How do you like affection shown?

Different people receive and express love differently. Love is the willingness to be there for another person and to share in each other's life. Love is a combination of emotional, spiritual and physical feelings. To make your marriage the best it can be, learn to understand yourself and how you like affection shown.

• How do you see intimacy in your married life?

Intimacy and sex can be difficult issues to discuss, even in a healthy marriage. In marriage, the goal is to have a deeply intimate relationship that is also sexually healthy. Men and women experience intimacy and sex differently. Intimacy is not just sex; it includes hugging, cuddling and embracing as well.

• What about children?

The first question to ask each other is: Do you want to have children? Pending an affirmative response, the next question to consider is: How long after marriage do you want to start having children?

• What are your expectations regarding time together?

Before marriage, you make an effort to spend time with your fiancé. You arrange your schedules to be together. Once married, couples sometimes get so involved in their daily lives that they often forget to spend quality time with each other on a regular basis. Make time to still go out on dates. Remember, your marriage is the most important relationship you will have in this life.

• What are your greatest concerns about married life?

We all have concerns, and maybe some apprehension, about new ventures. Marriage is a new venture. Remember that every marriage has its ups and downs.

Are you willing to share and comfortable sharing your concerns with your fiancé? If you are not, do what you need to do to become comfortable. Be willing to open up and share your fears and concerns with each other. Realize marriage is a lifelong decision, and everyone has marital concerns. It is OK to be nervous. Do not let any of the concerns you discuss get in the way of your marriage. Discuss them, resolve them and move forward together.

• What behaviors/beliefs do you expect both of you to follow?

Expectations are based on several factors, including the way you were raised and religious beliefs. Some of these expectations may have been hinted at throughout your courtship.

For example — movies and video games. Are there certain kinds of movies you expect not to be watched, together or alone? This may include the amount of time you spend in these activities or it may involve ratings.

Social networking is an issue that should be discussed in depth. What are the expectations regarding being friends with those of the opposite sex? What about former boyfriends or girlfriends?

• What are your priorities in life?

What you value is generally where your priorities will be, and what you spend time working on. What are your goals for yourself and as a couple? Setting goals allows you to have direction. In order to set goals, you will want to know and understand your priorities as well as each other's.

• What are your long-term goals in life?

What do you want to achieve in life? How ambitious and motivated are you to accomplish those goals? Are you comfortable with your fiancé's level of ambition and motivation? If not, what compromises are you willing to make?

Consider setting goals in areas like employment and your profession. If your profession requires schooling, will you be able to start attending now or do you need to wait? How will you pay for your schooling? What are your goals and objectives related to your career?

Love is the foundation of a good marriage. As long as you protect your love for each other in marriage, you will be happy. Enjoy every moment and do not let the small things get in the way of making it a happy marriage. Notice I said, "making it a happy marriage." It is up to each of you, individually and together, to make your marriage a happy one.