10 Things Every Bride Should Know Before Her Wedding Night

 It was almost 7 pm and my feet were tired. The hairpins were digging into my head, my make-up was gone, the wedding dress was uncomfortably tight around the waist (note to bride —any snug fit around the waist will feel tighter after a meal!).

And our best friend had driven off with our honeymoon luggage.

One of my girlfriends offered to help out. Go to her house and have a quick change of clothes. My brand new husband gave me that look that I’ve come to understand to mean “Not gonna happen.” Starting our first night at a girlfriend’s house instead of a honeymoon suite was not the plan.

And so it was, after a long event-filled happy day, that we finally walked into our honeymoon hotel. Finally. Just the two of us. The start of our marriage.

The wedding night

Most of you reading this are past your first wedding night. But many others are planning for their first wedding night (one of my friends is getting married this week!). Here are:

10 things every bride should know before (and about) her wedding night

1. Take it slow.

It’s been a long tiring journey, planning for your wedding. The running around, the planning, the actual wedding day, it will all take a toll on you and your beloved —mentally, emotionally and physically. By the end of your wedding day, you’ll be tired though chances are you might not even feel it (that adrenaline thing can lie).

My husband and I knew we were tired. Plus I was recovering from chicken pox so my tiredness was on the double.

Our plan for the honeymoon night was dinner, lots of cuddles, massage, plenty of rest and sleep. But things didn’t’ go according to plan! The saving grace was that we’d talked about slowing down so we were able to extend a lot grace to ourselves later.

“Slowing down” is easy to say, but not so easy to follow through when you feel like you’ve been waiting forever!

So you’ll need to discuss with your husband-to-be and be on the same page. Don’t get into intimate details but have a rough idea how the evening will play out.

For example a typical Kenyan wedding ceremony might last the whole day. Afterwards a couple will have a long drive —or flight —to their honeymoon destination. There’s only so much you can do after being awake and active for almost twenty four hours.

There’s no hard and fast rule but if you can plan to ease into intimacy, the better the evening/night will be.

2. You won’t know everything.

You might have read that and thought “I have some sexual experience, you know.” Well, here’s some truth you want to consider —sex within marriage is completely different from sex outside of marriage. Past sexual experience will not make you a “pro” on your wedding night. If anything you have a lot to unlearn and lots to learn (See # 3)

Also on this first night you’ll want to err on the side of less “wow.” Most grooms want to wow their brides on the wedding night, many brides want the night to be memorable and intimate and scoring a 10 out of 10.

I am not trying to be a wet blanket because there’s nothing wrong with planning to wow each other. But sometimes super high expectations can set you up for serious disappointment when things don’t go according to plan.

It’s so much easier when you come to your wedding night wearing a learner’s hat. Because learners don’t have anything to lose but everything to gain. So prepare to become a student of your spouse, not just on the wedding night, but for the rest of your married life.

3. Shut the doors to your past.

If you have a sexual past, any baggage and works of the flesh, you’ll need shut that door and leave the past in the past. Begin to ask God to do a deep work in you now, to change you and transform you.

Or maybe you come from the other side of the camp —you feel completely clueless about a wedding night cos you are a virgin.

It’s easy to feel clumsy and foolish, easy to begin to think that you’ll never learn anything. Actually there’s a little truth in there; you will always be learning something —better get comfy in that student seat! But the whole truth is that you have followed God’s design and plan for marriage. You are at the perfect place. He will help you, you will learn.

No matter what camp you fall under, don’t listen to the lies of the enemy who wants to discourage you. Choose to fall in love with God’s truth. Allow His word be a lamp to your feet and a light for your marriage path.

4. It might be awkward.

I had no idea that one can kiss and breathe at the same time! So I held my breath on the wedding night …and almost fainted! Okay I did not faint, but my breathless thereafter was not merely a result of a …er …heady session.

So your delicate lingerie might snap, you might fall off the bed, you might dislike the feel of lubricant, you might gawk, and feel embarrassed till your toes curl. (Hopefully not all of them in the same night!)

Here’s something to remember —making love is not a neat, clean, surgical-precise process. It’s not what you’ve seen or heard in movies (that you shouldn’t have been watching in the first place!).

Making love can be awkward, messy and hilarious! Doing it for the first time can be twice as awkward, twice as messy and twice as hilarious! So you’ll need to bring in your easy genes.

Feel like running to the bathroom and hide till you die of old age? Well, just don’t do it.

Tripped on your elaborate pair of heels? (See why #2 is such a good idea?) Laugh it off and get along.

Your beloved is going through as much awkward himself and taking things lightly will help both of you. These awkward moments are “naked and unashamed” in motion; you are learning to be vulnerable with each other. And making fun memories!

5. You must communicate.

There’s no other place where wives hope their husbands will read their minds the most like the marriage bed. And you’ll discover this on your wedding night where you sort-of hope he will figure out your body all by himself without a lot of input.

The reality of the matter is that you are learning your own body too (and his), so it’s not like you are expected to deliver a whole thesis.

As we pointed out in # 2, you don’ know everything, it’s your first night together (even if it’s not, it’s still the first night under holy matrimony). So you’ll need to begin to learn how to communicate and engage, to let him know what’s going on with you.

And in order to let him know what’s going on with you, you’ll need to understand what’s going on with you. So tune in and listen (see #6). Don’t fall for the lie that “he’s the man, he’ll figure it out.” He won’t figure it out because he doesn’t live in your brain. And even if he did, his brain works very differently!

So if it hurts or you want to try something else or if you are sore and want a break for a few hours, tell him, communicate. Don’t keep quiet, he wants and needs you engaged.

6. You can’t just lie there and do nothing :)

It’s said that the biggest sexual organ in a woman’s body is her mind. That’s no old-wives tale. One of the things you need to begin to learn on your wedding night is to reign in your thoughts and concentrate on the moment.

I remember having a thousand and one thoughts buzzing through my mind —the guests, the food, the dancing, the music, the ceremony. And the TV was running in the back ground. I was distracted to pieces but I did not know what I know now —that sex begins in my mind.

I can’t get into details but I’ll tell you one resource that helped me prepare for my wedding night. Our mentors had asked as to read The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love, a book by Tim and Beverly Lahaye.

I read it month or so to the wedding and my sweetheart got to read a week to the wedding. (You don’t want to be lighting unnecessary fires so read any detailed intimacy books a really close to the wedding day.)

So you want to get a resource and learn something. Begin to unlearn untruths and learn the truth.

(If you have some solid biblical resources for the bride/groom that you can recommend, please share in Comments below. I’ve also heard great things about Sheila Gregoire’s book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. I haven’t read it yet but I love her blog and practical marriage and intimacy advice.

7. Sex might hurt a little.

The first time I heard that brides bleed on their wedding night, I had images of a blood bath on our wedding bed. Not trying to gross you out, but we can really be mixed up and loopy about the wedding night! The first night might be uncomfortable, but that’s all it is (or should be).

I like how one marriage blogger put is. Concerning sex on the first night, she says:

“You will be sore, just like you were after your first aerobics class. Hey, you’re using muscles you haven’t used before. What do you expect? But just like exercise, you shouldn’t respond by deciding it hurts too much that you have to stop doing it. Be gentle, be careful, but keep up the ‘exercise.’ Your body will get used to it, and sex will no longer hurt. “

Be gentle, be careful, but keep up the “exercise.”

On the other hand if sex hurts too much, you’ll want to see or call your doctor immediately.

8. The wedding night is not the end, but the start of your life together.

Here’s the main thing I’d love for you to take away from this post. You don’t have to have a perfect wedding night. In fact, most couples will tell you that they did not have a picture perfect wedding night. But they loved it anyway.

With all the embarrassments and little issues, it was the start of their married life and they wouldn’t trade the experience for anything. There’s so much to be grateful for and so much to look forward to.

So don’t exchange the joy and fun for perfect. Enjoy the evening/night/day and keep in mind that it’s not all you have. There are hundreds of evenings to come.

You have more time to learn, to grow, to explore, to get better. So enjoy this night/day because you only have one first wedding night after all!

9. It’s not just about the sex.

Real intimacy in marriage is not just about sex. It’s about connecting in all areas —mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

Hopefully you’ve been connecting in all these other areas (minus the physical) before your wedding night. Work on building your friendship during engagement and courtship. Because it’s connecting in these other areas that makes sex beautiful.

10. Have a mentor.

I love online ministry and reading great books and listening to great sermons and teachings. However, God designed us to do real life with real people. This blog and every other resource is meant to complement real life relationships, not replace them.

Sometimes I’ll receive a heart-breaking email from a reader and one thing I often ask is whether they have a mentor, someone to talk to and walk with through life’s situations.

You need a mentor, someone to share your heart with not just before the wedding but after. We are meant to do life together.

A mentor will have real instructions. For example I thought I was weird because we were using (artificial) lubrication weeks after the wedding. I mentioned it to my girlfriend and she reassured me I was normal!

You will have questions, need real-life clarifications from someone who knows you personally.

I can think of some practical things a mentor or close girlfriend can help you with:

– If sex is downright painful, like shads-of-glass-tearing-into-you painful, see a doctor fast.

– Empty your bladder after (and before, if you can get to it). It will help you not catch a urinary tract infection.

– Fall in love with cleanliness. (I know that sounds obvious but you know, some girls can go a weekend without a shower.)

– Use a lot of lubrication.

– Keep a towel near, sex can be messy (we already said that).

– Get something good for your wedding night but be reasonable. That stringy lingerie might look good on a mannequin but it needs to fit a real life body.

What can you add?

Okay so there’s my small thoughts concerning this special night.

What wisdom can you add? Any other biblical resources you can recommend?

For my single/engaged sisters, do you have any questions? (Let’s keep any sharing or questions tasteful and within reason of course.) If you have private questions, you can email me at ndoatakatifu@gmail.com looking forward to reading all your thoughts and insights!

#marriagemissions

5 Common Lies the World Tells Us About Sex

It’s Normal

Many state that since God made us as sexual beings, it is perfectly normal to express our sexuality. I agree, but only if it is within the confines of marriage. There are different destinations for those who live in sexual immorality (Rev. 21:8), with one being a much different and much better destination for those who live a life of holiness (Rev. 22). It is not normal to have sex outside of marriage; it is abnormal, in fact.

You’re Entitled

This lie is also an often-used line by those who seek to have sex outside of marriage. The truth is that we all deserve the wrath of God, but He died for all who repent and trust in Him. If a person has actually repented, this means that they have turned their back on their former lifestyle of sin and have forsaken their sins. No one who still lives in sin can claim to have any assurance of their salvation (1 John 3).

If You Love Me, You Will...

I have counselled many couples, and one of the most frequent things I hear is that a woman’s boyfriend says, “If you love me, you’ll have sex with me.” In actuality, the very opposite is true. If he loved you, he would wait for marriage to have sex because the marriage bed is undefiled (Heb. 13:4). All sex outside of marriage is an abomination to God, regardless of what a man might say because just as Paul said, “I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God” (Gal. 5:21).

Everyone Else Is Doing It

No, not everyone else is doing it. When I was in high school, the boys who had not been with a girl before were deemed out of the ordinary and that something must be wrong with them when the truth is, everything is right about them. Some of the vulgar and debased language used about women in the locker rooms is just horrendous. If these women could have heard what these young men were saying, bragging about having so and so and wearing it like a badge of honor, I am sure they would have been disgusted.
‘Do not deprive one another…’ so the Bible says.

1 Corinthians 7:14 is quoted out of context just to lure one into giving in, in the name of, ‘tusinyimane’ Sex outside the boundary of marriage as we have said is not allowed and its sinful and even if you are married you should be faithful to your partner.

Conclusion

There are more than just these five lies about having sex outside of marriage. The lies that it is perfectly normal; that they’re entitled to it; that if you really loved them, you’d have sex with them;  that everyone else is doing it and; that we should not deprive one another by quoting a biblical verse out of context, are straight out of the pit of hell.

May God richly bless you,

10 Personalities that have no Place in Christian Marriage.

By Pastor Jason.

My dear bride and I have been married for sixteen years. We have learned a great deal over those years together. What was a rocky beginning has become a sweet and glorious union. There is seldom a day that goes by that I don’t thank the Lord for my wife. Our marriage isn’t perfect, because neither of us within this marriage is perfect (though she is surely closer to perfection than me). However, I can say by the grace and mercy of God that we have a good marriage. There are different lessons that we have learned over the past sixteen years. Some were more painful to learn than others and some are lessons that we will need to continually grow in. There are many who read this blog and have been married longer than us. No doubt, you have more wisdom to offer on this subject then me. I would welcome your thoughts in the comments below. As a pastor, who has counseled many couples, and as a veteran of sixteen years of marriage, I have found that these ten personalities have no place in Christian marriage:

1. Secret Agent: We can’t have secret expectations. Our spouse needs to know and we need to give voice to our expectations within the marriage relationship. It isn’t fair or even wise to keep these thoughts from our spouses. They need to know. If we aren’t willing to give expression to an expectation, than it shouldn’t be one. In truth, we are often reluctant to share these silent expectations, because once we hear them uttered from our mouths we realize how petty and unnecessary they are.

2. Debater: Debates are good in politics, the classroom, and at the water cooler. They aren’t helpful in marriage. Never argue for the sake of arguing in your marriage. Don’t debate to win a point, a round, or a plan. It is a lose-lose proposition. Be willing to discuss and disagree, but never debate.

3. Warrior: Our conflict is not with our spouse. Our battle is not “against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places” (Eph. 6:12). Our spouse is never to be viewed as our adversary and neither are we to be viewed their adversary. We are united together in Christ to wage this good fight alongside each other, not against one another. I am not her enemy and she is not mine. We are compatriots and fellow soldiers linked arm and arm waging battle with evil as our Lord Jesus leads us in this good and holy fight. Let us “stir up one another to love and good works” (Heb. 10:24) and not against one another.

4. Mommy/Daddy Me: Most of us love being parents, but this cannot supersede our first calling as a husband or wife. It is a grievous mistake to place our children over our marriage relationship. If our marriage is suffering, our kids are suffering. If our marriage is thriving, the blessings cascade down upon our children like the oil poured out upon Aaron’s head and running down his beard (Psalm 133). It is like the dew of Hermon which falls on the mountains of Zion–it gives life.

5. Finger-Pointer: Our wife’s sin is not just her issue “to get over.” Neither are our husband’s sins purely his struggles “to get past.” We are united together. We are one flesh (Gen.2:24). God has given us one another to walk the path of righteousness hand-in-hand. Let us “bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Gal. 6:2).

6. Holy Spirit Impostor: One of the great traps of Christian marriage is being more concerned about my spouse’s spiritual state than my own. It is a kind of super-spirituality that comes in the guise of love and righteousness, when it is anything but. Rather, it smacks of hypocrisy. We are not the Holy Spirit and we are not our spouse’s conscience. It is far too easy to be distracted from our own responsibilities when we have our target fixed on another.

7. Milquetoast: Loving and appreciating grace does not mean avoiding all hard things in marriage. Some Christian husbands and wives are confined by the false belief that being grace-centered means avoiding all conflict, disagreement, and confrontation. We are “grace people,” and sometimes the greatest manifestation of that grace is the willingness to breech hard subjects and wade through difficult issues. A gracious spouse will speak the truth, always in love, but will speak the truth (Eph. 4:12) for the betterment of their spouse and their marriage to the glory of God.

8. Accuser: Things forgiven in the past are not weapons to be wielded in the present. It doesn’t matter whether they were sins or errors committed before the marriage or after the wedding vows were taken. It doesn’t matter whether they were particular sins committed against us or someone else. Forgiven matters are forgiven. Are there consequences? Sure. May we need to discuss these things in counseling or pray about them together? Yes. But they are not a sledge-hammer to be used in times of disagreement, an example to use for the sake of argumentation, nor a thought to hold our spouse captive to our wishes. They have been buried in a deep chasm and sealed with our forgiveness by the grace of God. There they are to remain, unless they need to be brought forth and never as something to hold over the head of the other.

9. Me Monster: “Love does not insist on its own way” (1 Cor. 13:5). We must not seek our own interests first. If we are both pursuing the other’s interests than both of our needs are met, not begrudgingly, but willingly.

10. Dictator: Christian marriage is not to be domineered by one spouse or the other. The husband is the head of the marriage union (Eph. 5), but he is not its king. Both the husband and the wife serve one single King. He dictates the rules, character, and purpose for this relationship. Whether our inclination is to seek control of the marriage by force or passive aggressive silence, it is wrong. We are not try and dominate where we have no right. Ultimately, this marriage is not “ours” to do with it what we will. It is His. It falls within His dominion and we both serve His Kingdom, not our own. Our marriage is to be a living breathing earthly sign pointing to the reality of Christ’s union with the Church (Eph. 5). This is what is to dominate, dictate, and rule our marriages: the glory of Christ our exalted Head, King, and Bride-Groom. Not us. What a glorious thing Christian marriage is!