4 ways to avoid ruining your marriage on your honeymoon

It’s June, and my wedding invite box is full. People are rushing to and fro taking pictures, choosing flowers and sampling cake. All the preparations for the big party are methodically and sometimes frantically being put into place for the big day. But, is anyone talking about what happens after? That’s right, I’m talking about The Honeymoon. And I’m not just talking about the destination, but I’m literally discussing what that post-nuptial trip is historically all about - sex.

Somehow, in the midst of all the preparations, this very important topic gets pushed aside in favor of the party decorations. Or it gets joked about with sly winks and nods at bridal showers and bachelor parties. However, it is this very subject that can often make or break a relationship, and the honeymoon is far too often the time when the pattern for the sexual relationship becomes set. Moreover, I see many couples who are still trying to heal from the hurt and miscommunication experienced during this time, and wish they could do it all so differently, hoping their children won’t get caught in the same cycle. So it’s time to realize that if you’re big enough to get married, you’re big enough to talk about sex.
Here are four ideas to consider as you start thinking beyond your wedding and into the future:

You can go on a honeymoon without having sex

I know this idea goes contrary to historical and cultural expectations, but please keep reading. If you’ve decided to wait to be intimate until you’ve actually said, “I do,” then there are more important things than just jumping straight to sex - namely trust and communication. Just because you now have permission to be naked with each other doesn’t mean you have to be. No one needs to know and no one should ask. I encourage newly-married couples to continue developing their relationships along natural timetables. Slowly incorporate new areas of the body and new ideas and don’t be afraid to talk about them. This will allow you to build a foundation of trust and true and lasting intimacy which will help create the kind of relationship depicted in all those wedding magazines. And, if you’re going someplace fantastic for your first trip together, you may actually get to see some of the sights.

Sex and intimacy don’t magically happen

Unfortunately, our 21st century technology hasn’t brought us some sort of universal download regarding sex and how to go about it upon getting married. It actually fits into the same category as swimming lessons, learning to ride a bike or baking bread. It’s a skill and requires time and effort to learn. I know that doesn’t sound very romantic, but I promise if you view it as such, make time to learn and practice and allow for some spectacular fails without thinking you or your partner are “bad” at sex, you can then have all the romance you want. Up to this point in your life you’ve been learning things on an individual level. Sex is different because it’s something you learn as a couple, making it a bit more challenging but also more rewarding. Read books, take classes and, above all, talk openly about it with each other so you can enjoy this learning experience together.

Keep expectations realistic

Soap Operas really hurts couples regarding what they “think” sex “should” be like versus the reality. Again, remember that you are actual human beings and not edited, well-lit, flawlessly made-up characters on a big screen. Real intimacy can be awkward, messy, humorous, and full of sights and sounds you’ve probably not experienced before. You may trip as you’re trying so hard to walk alluringly to bed. He may get his ring caught in your hair. Whatever it is, it’s yours. This is your experience and your relationship with another individual also probably feeling as awkward, excited, curious and frightened as you are. You can’t expect your partner to know what you like or what to do. Or to know your body better than you do. The expectation is that both people will be able to express fears, doubts, desires and wants in a clear and understanding way so that both involved feel safe and cared for. Beyond that, keep Soap Operas out of the equation.

Even if neither of you has previously had sex, you still have sexual history

Everything you learned, saw, heard or experienced growing up regarding touch, intimacy and sex you are bringing with you into this new relationship. How you view your own body. What you were told was right and wrong. And, of course, any trauma you may have endured will all be part of forming your attitudes and expectations of your present sexual relationship. This is something you need to talk about.
In our book, we help couples navigate this conversation because it can sometimes be tricky for those just starting out, but it’s such an important conversation to have. No topic should be off-limits and try to be as honest as possible. One man with whom I worked said his wife never let him see her legs and always kept them covered with long socks, although she let him see other parts of her body. He thought it was because she was cold. Later he found out her father had often teased her about her “stork legs” and she was embarrassed by them. He felt sad for all the years she had carried that thought around and told her her legs were one of features he was most attracted to. He wished they had talked about that sooner.

Your wedding day is important, but it’s the actual relationship that counts

As you are planning for your big day, don’t let all the little things get in the way of setting the stage for a meaningful, mutually satisfying and happy marriage - of which sex and intimacy are a major part. Don’t let anyone else define what your physical relationship “should” be like and what you should or should not include. Take your time. Talk. Laugh. Have fun. Make mistakes. Forgive. Learn. Let your honeymoon be a happy memory from which you build your intimate life.

6 secrets to a happy marriage

Have you ever wondered the difference between happily married couples and those who are not? Did those happy couples just win some cosmic coin toss in which they were blessed with unwavering attraction and compatibility?

Have you ever wondered the difference between happily married couples and those who are not? Did those happy couples just win some cosmic coin toss in which they were blessed with unwavering attraction and compatibility? The truth is, couples who maintain love and satisfaction in married life do so through hard work and good communication. Fortunately, this is possible for every married couple not just a few lucky winners. The following is a list of the six things that happily married couples do to keep their relationship alive.

1. Make time to talk

Happily married couples talk to each other on a regular basis about pretty much everything. Intimacy fades quickly when couples stop talking to each other. Don’t let life get in the way of this fundamental relationship builder. If you find that your schedule or workload makes it difficult to do this, fit in small chunks of conversation whenever you can. For example, do the dishes together after dinner. This will give you a chance to chat for at least a few minutes and allow you to connect. Make this a priority in your marriage and don’t let other things get in the way.

2. Work out your problems together

Your spouse should be the first person you go to if you have a problem, even if that problem involves him or her. Happily married couples are able to talk to their spouse about anything, whereas unhappy couples are often more comfortable talking to their friends. It is tempting to do so because often a friend will sympathize and agree with your side of things. However, this is an unhealthy pattern that will only drive a wedge into your marriage.

3. Surprise each other

The more variety a husband and wife introduce into their life together, the happier their marriage will be. Make a point of doing routine things differently, simply for the sake of change. One couple said that every once in a while they like to meet at a restaurant where they pretend they're strangers who are powerfully attracted to each other. There are no rules about how to introduce variety into your life. All that matters is that you both find it exciting, adventurous, and fun.

4. Pursue your own interests

Too many men and women use marriage as an excuse to stop growing and challenging themselves as individuals. Happily married couples, on the other hand, don't hide in their marriage. For your sake as well as for the sake of your marriage, you must always strive to reach your goals. The first step is defining your goal; the next step is breaking down what may seem like an impossible dream into a series of small, manageable steps. Remember to encourage and support each other in your individual pursuits.

5. Act like a lover

Happily married couples, no matter how many years they have been together, no matter how many children they have, always remember that they are lovers, first. Remind yourself how you felt when you were first dating and continue to treat your spouse that way. Do your best to maintain your physical appearance and good hygiene habits. Listen attentively when your partner speaks to you. Flirt with your spouse the way you used to. Let him or her know that you still find them to be an exciting and interesting partner.

6. Maintain healthy priorities

There is a limit to how much you can cram into one lifetime. If your marriage is suffering because you have too many things on your plate, it is time to reevaluate your commitments. List all of the demands, both self-imposed and external, that are filling your life and review them with your spouse. Decide which ones are absolutely necessary and eliminate those that are not. Be realistic about your expectations. Being “perfect” is far less important than being happy.

How to respectfully communicate your needs in marriage

Could your communication skills use a tune up? Here are five ways to have a happier relationship with your sweetheart.

You take two people from different backgrounds and put them together for an extensive period of time and you are bound to have a difference of opinion. Not only that, but you will most likely have different ways to approach conflict and communicate your needs. This is marriage. You converse with each other daily, but do you realize that how and what you say can literally be the distinguishing factor between a great marriage and a tolerable one?

If you want to become more skillful at not only communicating your needs but also graciously receiving the needs of your spouse, let me offer a few suggestions.

When communicating a need to your spouse:

Be direct

Just because you express several times a day how strongly you feel about having a clean kitchen it does not mean your husband will suddenly start wiping down the counters. You can't find fault with him if you haven't taken the time to communicate your expectations.

The best way to avoid feelings of resentment from unmet expectations is by simply voicing exactly what you want. For the wife who wants more help around the house, an effective approach might be: "Hey babe, do you mind helping me with the dishes after dinner? It would mean a lot to me. If we get the kitchen cleaned up now, we will have more time to spend with each other later on." This invites (not nags) the spouse to help. It also communicates that he is what's important — not the task at hand.

Tone

There is a big importance of verbal and nonverbal messages, the tone of voice we use is responsible for about 35-40 percent of the message we are sending. When your spouse asked you to pick up the kids from soccer practice and you said, "Alright," did you sound sarcastic, indifferent, distracted or sincere? Especially when speaking to your sweetheart, you need to be mindful of the tone you use.

Timing

Pick your battles and your battleground. If you'd like to talk about money matters, choose a time when both of you are in a stress-free environment and able to talk without distractions — like after the kids are in bed. Timing can be the difference between engaging in a constructive conversation and erupting like Mount St. Kilimanjaro.

When you are on the receiving end of hearing your spouse's concern.

Just listen

Listening entails much more than idly giving verbal cues while surfing the net. Here are a few things to keep in mind when your spouse is speaking his mind: keep eye contact, put away all distractions (like turning off phones and TVs), don't interrupt, and repeat back his objective to avoid misunderstandings. So often we think we know what the other person is going to or trying to say so we cut them off mid-sentence or tune out completely. Especially when it comes to the person with whom you share your life, you need to show her your love and attentiveness by listening and internalizing her thoughts and feelings — no matter the subject.

Validate

Validating is the last step to letting your spouse know you have truly heard her and want to understand her needs.

Validating your spouse's feelings: "Often we may forget one final point in communicating with each other. Part of the reason we take risks in sharing with one another is to have our need for validation met. It is not enough to let our spouse share with us; we must take it a step further and validate the risk he or she just took in sharing with us."

You might reply with something as simple as, "Thank you for sharing that with me. I love hearing about your day." If you've discussed weightier matters, you can say something like: "That must have been difficult to share with me, but I'm so glad you did. I may not understand all you are feeling now, but I want to. I hope together we can figure this out."

In a marriage, you need to be so careful about how and what you communicate to your spouse. Most of us are much more fragile and vulnerable than we let on. I'm reminded of the words of a prominent family advocate Thomas S. Monson, "Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved."

Going forward, resolve to communicate more effectively by first voicing expectations with kindness and then receiving them with compassion and love. By doing so, you not only foster a deeper communion as husband and wife, but also as mother and father.

3 easy ways to avoid a fight with your spouse

Avoiding heated arguments in marriage is easier than you may think. Using these few tips can make a big difference.

First, we must acknowledge that fighting or arguing exists in most marriages. The couples who don’t have any arguments are likely in denial. Or one partner is simply far too submissive and that is not a happy situation for her or him. Let’s be clear, there is nothing wrong with a healthy disagreement. However, there are some types of disagreeing that end up in verbal battles that can do serious damage if not dealt with correctly.

In a recent study researchers found that “Middle-aged adults who frequently fought with their husband or wife were more than twice as likely to die at a relatively young age compared to people who rarely fought.” (Deseret News, “Excessive arguing may cut life short” May 12, 2014)
We’re all well aware that arguing causes stress and stress causes health problems, so this research is not surprising but worth noting.

What to do about it

Besides being a health hazard, arguing is a marriage hazard. With this in mind, knowing how to stop arguments between you and your honey becomes a skill worth developing.
Here are a few suggestions to help you avoid those pesky fights.

1. Watch for them

You can almost always tell when you are about to break into an argument that’s going to end in an all-out verbal bash. Watch for the clues. Take a deep breath and carefully think what you are about to say. When you take even a few seconds to consider a better way of responding you can save the whole conversation.
One couple we know has a system that works for them. When they feel this irritation coming on they recognize it for what it is. In their words, “It’s that old devil trying to ruin our marriage. We know he’s good at it, and we’re not going to let him succeed.”
You may want to do what this couple does. When they see it coming on they say something like. “Hey, he’s at it, again.” It clears the air, they see it for what it is and they calmly continue discussing the problem at hand or they change the subject. The point here is, you can control the situation and stop an argument from happening or from escalating.

2. Listen to your spouse

Sometimes spouses have a knee jerk reaction to some button-pushing statements heading in their direction. When this happens, bite your tongue. Listen before you spout off with your opinion. Give him a chance to finish what he is saying. It may be a valid complaint. When you listen you can learn what needs to be done. If you don’t hear him out then you don’t have enough information to make an enlightened response.
For example, in angry tones your husband may be verbally striking out about your son. “I’m so sick of that kid’s stupidity! Now he’s run over the sprinklers and broken the heads off. I’ve had it with that kid.”
You’re feeling protective of your child, so you react with, “Stop it! You’re too hard on him. He’s just a kid, and he’s going to make mistakes.”
Do you see what’s happening here? Your husband is angry. After all, he’s the one who has to fix the sprinklers, again. Don’t react. Listen. Let him finish venting. Sometimes that’s all it takes.

3. Validate your spouse’s frustration

Let’s say your wife is irritated at your late arrival home and she says something like, “Where have you been? The least you could have done is call me. You’re so inconsiderate.” What can a guy say to that? If he defends himself, in rather loud tones, by saying, “Look, I couldn’t help it. My appointment ran late. I’m tired and I’m hungry. What’s for dinner?” he's pouring oil on the fire.
All this is fuel for a useless argument. If you’re the guy, take the deep breath and don’t defend yourself. Just say something like, “I’m so sorry, honey. That was inconsiderate. I should have called you when I saw that my appointment was running late. Please forgive me.” Then give her that hug and kiss she usually gets, or should be getting, when you come home. Then offer your help.
If you’re the wife in this case, don’t start on him. He’s probably already sorry he’s late. Give him the benefit of the doubt. It’s not worth an argument. Validate his tiredness, forgive his lateness and press on.

In conclusion

To sum it up, remember these three simple suggestions: Watch for the oncoming argument so you can stop it in its tracks; listen before you speak and validate your spouse’s feelings. It always helps to see things from the other person’s perspective. Using these suggestions can avoid a lot of unpleasant arguments. It’s up to each person in the marriage to do their part in keeping peace at home. If one has a downturn, be forgiving, and be the one to get the conversation back on track. You’ll be glad you did.
Finally lets always meditate on the word of God in the book of James that, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this; Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires”. (James 1:19-20). Be encouraged, stay blessed!