10 Personalities that have no Place in Christian Marriage.

By Pastor Jason.

My dear bride and I have been married for sixteen years. We have learned a great deal over those years together. What was a rocky beginning has become a sweet and glorious union. There is seldom a day that goes by that I don’t thank the Lord for my wife. Our marriage isn’t perfect, because neither of us within this marriage is perfect (though she is surely closer to perfection than me). However, I can say by the grace and mercy of God that we have a good marriage. There are different lessons that we have learned over the past sixteen years. Some were more painful to learn than others and some are lessons that we will need to continually grow in. There are many who read this blog and have been married longer than us. No doubt, you have more wisdom to offer on this subject then me. I would welcome your thoughts in the comments below. As a pastor, who has counseled many couples, and as a veteran of sixteen years of marriage, I have found that these ten personalities have no place in Christian marriage:

1. Secret Agent: We can’t have secret expectations. Our spouse needs to know and we need to give voice to our expectations within the marriage relationship. It isn’t fair or even wise to keep these thoughts from our spouses. They need to know. If we aren’t willing to give expression to an expectation, than it shouldn’t be one. In truth, we are often reluctant to share these silent expectations, because once we hear them uttered from our mouths we realize how petty and unnecessary they are.

2. Debater: Debates are good in politics, the classroom, and at the water cooler. They aren’t helpful in marriage. Never argue for the sake of arguing in your marriage. Don’t debate to win a point, a round, or a plan. It is a lose-lose proposition. Be willing to discuss and disagree, but never debate.

3. Warrior: Our conflict is not with our spouse. Our battle is not “against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places” (Eph. 6:12). Our spouse is never to be viewed as our adversary and neither are we to be viewed their adversary. We are united together in Christ to wage this good fight alongside each other, not against one another. I am not her enemy and she is not mine. We are compatriots and fellow soldiers linked arm and arm waging battle with evil as our Lord Jesus leads us in this good and holy fight. Let us “stir up one another to love and good works” (Heb. 10:24) and not against one another.

4. Mommy/Daddy Me: Most of us love being parents, but this cannot supersede our first calling as a husband or wife. It is a grievous mistake to place our children over our marriage relationship. If our marriage is suffering, our kids are suffering. If our marriage is thriving, the blessings cascade down upon our children like the oil poured out upon Aaron’s head and running down his beard (Psalm 133). It is like the dew of Hermon which falls on the mountains of Zion–it gives life.

5. Finger-Pointer: Our wife’s sin is not just her issue “to get over.” Neither are our husband’s sins purely his struggles “to get past.” We are united together. We are one flesh (Gen.2:24). God has given us one another to walk the path of righteousness hand-in-hand. Let us “bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Gal. 6:2).

6. Holy Spirit Impostor: One of the great traps of Christian marriage is being more concerned about my spouse’s spiritual state than my own. It is a kind of super-spirituality that comes in the guise of love and righteousness, when it is anything but. Rather, it smacks of hypocrisy. We are not the Holy Spirit and we are not our spouse’s conscience. It is far too easy to be distracted from our own responsibilities when we have our target fixed on another.

7. Milquetoast: Loving and appreciating grace does not mean avoiding all hard things in marriage. Some Christian husbands and wives are confined by the false belief that being grace-centered means avoiding all conflict, disagreement, and confrontation. We are “grace people,” and sometimes the greatest manifestation of that grace is the willingness to breech hard subjects and wade through difficult issues. A gracious spouse will speak the truth, always in love, but will speak the truth (Eph. 4:12) for the betterment of their spouse and their marriage to the glory of God.

8. Accuser: Things forgiven in the past are not weapons to be wielded in the present. It doesn’t matter whether they were sins or errors committed before the marriage or after the wedding vows were taken. It doesn’t matter whether they were particular sins committed against us or someone else. Forgiven matters are forgiven. Are there consequences? Sure. May we need to discuss these things in counseling or pray about them together? Yes. But they are not a sledge-hammer to be used in times of disagreement, an example to use for the sake of argumentation, nor a thought to hold our spouse captive to our wishes. They have been buried in a deep chasm and sealed with our forgiveness by the grace of God. There they are to remain, unless they need to be brought forth and never as something to hold over the head of the other.

9. Me Monster: “Love does not insist on its own way” (1 Cor. 13:5). We must not seek our own interests first. If we are both pursuing the other’s interests than both of our needs are met, not begrudgingly, but willingly.

10. Dictator: Christian marriage is not to be domineered by one spouse or the other. The husband is the head of the marriage union (Eph. 5), but he is not its king. Both the husband and the wife serve one single King. He dictates the rules, character, and purpose for this relationship. Whether our inclination is to seek control of the marriage by force or passive aggressive silence, it is wrong. We are not try and dominate where we have no right. Ultimately, this marriage is not “ours” to do with it what we will. It is His. It falls within His dominion and we both serve His Kingdom, not our own. Our marriage is to be a living breathing earthly sign pointing to the reality of Christ’s union with the Church (Eph. 5). This is what is to dominate, dictate, and rule our marriages: the glory of Christ our exalted Head, King, and Bride-Groom. Not us. What a glorious thing Christian marriage is!

Facebook can wreck your relationships in the following 3 ways.

Wrecking your relationship could just be a click away.

Social media is one of the greatest tools on the planet for staying connected, but ironically, it's also potentially one of the most dangerous forces for tearing relationships apart.

Here are a few of the most dangerous and destructive behaviours that you should avoid at all costs. If you don't have the self-control to stop doing these things online, you, your relationships and the world would probably be a lot better off if you just deleted all your social media accounts.

If you want to protect your relationships and your own reputation, NEVER do the following…

• 1. Publicly criticize or vent about someone

Especially in marriage, one of your primary roles as a spouse is to protect your spouse. That protection is not only a physical protection but a protection of their honour. It is never appropriate to air someone else's dirty laundry in a public forum just to make yourself feel justified in your frustration towards them. This is also not a way to promote healing or growth in your relationship; it just creates a cycle of more resentment and dysfunction. Praise people publicly and if there's ever a need for criticism, always give it privately and humbly.

• 2. Post anything at all while you're angry or intoxicated

Anger and alcohol have one thing in common…they both make you say things that you'll usually regret later. Ranting while you're angry is kind of like throwing up…it might make you feel better, but it will make everyone around you feel sick.

• 3. Belittle people with opinions or beliefs different than your own

Especially in election seasons, I watch in disbelief as my "friends" from both sides of the aisle sling mud at one another on Facebook. There's rarely healthy or meaningful dialogue or debate; only insults and generalizations. I'm a person of strong convictions and I hope you are as well, but climbing on to an online soapbox and shouting insults at those who disagree with us isn't a way to build relationships or win people to our way of thinking; it's just another way to damage relationships.

Here's the bottom line…every word you speak (whether online or in person) has lasting effects, so let wisdom guide your words. When I was a kid, Mom would say, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!" I think that's especially good advice when it comes to social media.

Here's one final nugget of ancient wisdom to consider before you post a rant online…"Whoever belittles another lacks sense, but an intelligent person remains silent." Proverbs 11:12

Why Nice and believing Guys (born again) are Really Just Men That Women Aren’t Ready for in Church.

Ready for a real relationship? Stop dating bad guys 'cool' in the name of they are more exciting and appealing than born again church guys who are presumed to be boring. Start looking for a nice guy.

Most ‘nice guys’ in Church i.e. born again men get a bad reception from good born again females. (No, I’m not talking about self-proclaimed “nice guys” who use politeness as currency to attract women — I mean actual kind men).

It’s really a shame, considering that truly nice guys are actually hubby material. Nonetheless, they’re almost always ignored or turned down, overlooked and unwanted.

Instead, women will go for the so called cool guy — the jerk. A woman will go for the “man of mystery” who will never let her get close enough to truly know. In youth meetings at my Church, i have more than often heard girls make statements like this, “Wanaume wa church wanaboo hata hawaongeangi kitu…” Whatever that means or something like, “…hua wamezubaa…”

Women really want nice guys. But they won’t know it for a while — at least, not until they’re ready for a life partner. They still have a lot to learn.

Once a girl becomes a woman and understands what is and isn’t important in life and in a relationship, the nice guy will suddenly become infinitely more appealing.

Girls think that the cool guy is the diamond in the rough…

…until they realize that “cool guy” usually translates into “a thorn in the flesh guy.”

And boy oh boy, are there thorn in the flesh guys in this world.

Women, like men, want excitement in their lives. Women also want someone rare, unique and special. Everybody does. People want what others don’t have because they make them feel special. And since Mom and Dad managed to convince us we’re special, we expect to stay that way.

Women don’t want the nice guy because “nice” sounds a lot like “average.” It’s good, not great; fine, not amazing. Or, at least, that’s how most of us feel.

However, after meeting and dating enough men, most women will realize one thing: It’s much easier to find a cool guy.

And that’s when the tables turn.

Unfortunately, this realization usually comes after years and years of dating so called cool guy just because he took her for an outing and bought her some good gifts while Mr born again was busy praying in arboretum and hence the girl turns down this nice guy. Strangely nice guys get turned down so often that they start to believe being a bad/cool guy is the way to go.

He wants to be nice. But if women want someone who treats them poorly, he may as well give them what they want. I’m not saying women are to blame, but I’ve seen this happen with my own eyes.

The nice guy is the one girls will seek once they’ve made enough mistakes.

Meeting the right person isn’t about finding someone compatible. It’s about rejecting the people you aren’t meant to date. It’s about becoming the person you need to be to make a relationship work.

People learn by making mistakes. The risks we take — and the failure that so often follows — make us better.

Of course, in life, there is no one to tell us about our mistakes and what we can learn from them.

So when it comes to heartache, we don’t always learn from experience. Because learning is, after all, left up to our interpretation.

Women usually find the “nice guy” after they’ve seen other relationships fail time and time again. The nice guy isn’t appealing until you realize he’s exactly what you need.

Unfortunately, you have to date a lot of bad guys to realize this.

Women eventually realize that nice guys can be exciting and spontaneous with the right woman.

Women assume that jerks will make for a more exciting relationship.

And, to be completely honest, this is often the case. Sometimes nice guys are a bit too nice. They’re guessing that kindness is something all women want.

But that’s not true. No one wants just that.

Everyone wants to feel more. We want to be excited and moved; we know that being in love can make us feel that way.

Well, the bad guy/cool guy will make a more exciting relationship. But it won’t be exciting in the way you hope. You will be overwhelmed with emotions, but they won’t be positive ones.

The unborn again will make you feel bad about yourself. He’ll make you feel worried and stressed. He’ll convince you that what you’re feeling is love, when in reality it’s far from it.

Your life will certainly be more exciting, but you’re going to hate it. So what’s the point?

Any relationship can be exciting — the good kind of exciting — if both people work on making it so.

It’s not just up to the man to make your relationship more exciting. Women also need to work on making their relationships exciting.

We all want to be swept off our feet, but one-sided relationships always fail. After all, it is a partnership.

If you don’t believe me, go ahead — date the unbelieving guy. Ignore the nice guy. And then when you change your mind, re-read this article and tell me I’m wrong.

Remember love is blind so they say.

''Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?"-2 Corinthians 6:14
OUCH Paul, way to spare people’s feelings! But the truth hurts, right? These days dating a non-believer is starting to become even more common and somewhat accepted within the church with a weak excuse that men in the Church are not outgoing as men out there.
Be blessed, Stay encouraged.