4 Reasons Why Saving Yourself For Marriage is So Hard

While we were dating one of the biggest challenges my husband and I had was physical boundaries. It only got harder when he decided to go on a year-long mission trip.  He came home on break one month and we went out to eat with the intentions of taking a walk on the beach afterward. It was dark by the time we got to the beach. We looked for a spot to put our blanket down. Within seconds we were feverishly making out. This time though, we went further than we ever had before. We basically were on top of each other with our clothes on, and without going into detail, we ended up getting each other very aroused. Mind you, we were both Christians who wanted to wait until we got married to have sex. Even though my husband wasn’t a virgin, after his last relationship he had made the commitment to stay celibate until we were married.
So here we were going further and further every time we came back together on his breaks.  I realized that if we were going to keep our commitment to waiting until we were married we had to stop being physical, period. So I prayed and asked God for forgiveness because I felt so guilty for coming so close to breaking my promise, again. I wish I could say that my husband and I stopped being physical after that experience, but it seemed like the closer we got to being married, the more I found myself repenting for this same thing.
Looking back, it was only by the grace of God that we didn’t have sex, because we kept coming dangerously close to setting that sequence of events in motion.
I think about all the other young adults out there, single or not, and I know that the temptation to have premarital sex can be overwhelming. I’ve noticed that usually when people who intended to save themselves for marriage end up having premarital sex it due to one or more of these reasons:
1.     Lack of boundaries.
Christians in committed relationships who plan on getting married have it just as hard as anyone else. It’s only natural that as your emotional intimacy with someone increases, your desire for physical intimacy with them increases too. My husband and I had to pray a lot about this because we constantly found ourselves in compromising situations. Over and over, we would feel guilty and re-establish rules for physical contact.

Soon, I realized that the only way to keep the boundaries intact was to establish rules about the times of day we would see each other and talk on the phone. Late night hanging out alone couldn’t be an option any more. So it definitely takes a lot of intentionality to keep from crossing those barriers of sexual contact.
2.   Loneliness.
One summer my husband and I spoke at a conference for teens and young adults about being ready for a relationship. After one of our presentations a young lady asked to meet with me in private. She explained that she had moved to America from Haiti by herself a few years ago. She worked at Walgreens to support herself and found herself feeling very lonely. She became friends with a co-worker who, incidentally, wasn’t Christian. One rainy afternoon she found herself at his house….and they had sex. She had just found out that she was pregnant right before coming to the conference.  She broke down in tears as she explained that she dreaded telling her pastor because she served as children’s ministry leader and was afraid of what people at church would think of her after this.

When you go home every day to an empty house or bed, it’s hard not to think about wanting to be with someone. Everyone on your News Feed is updating their status to “In a Relationship” or “Married” and you’re still single. Your circle of friends that you can hang out with is getting smaller by the month. Loneliness slowly develops into desperation and before you know it, you’re getting involved with someone that you normally wouldn’t be with.
3. No support system.
Like the young lady I met a lot of people have the intention of waiting, but don’t have a circle of friends or family that will keep them accountable. If you want to wait, try your best to surround yourself with people who have the same commitment so that you can encourage each other when it gets tough.
4.     No thought for long-term consequences.
Even Christians sometimes have sex and get caught up in the passion of the moment without taking a second to think about stuff like “Does this person have an STD?”What if we get pregnant?” Then a child is born into a fragmented home that they did not ask for, and you end up having to co-parent with someone you otherwise wouldn’t have chosen to be in your life.  Trouble is, those things don’t seem as important in the heat of the moment. Your mind is hazy because the physical sensations you’re experiencing are in control. That’s why boundaries are important, especially if you’ve had sex before.

Keeping sex in the context of the marriage commitment isn’t some random restriction to keep us from exploring life and having fun. It’s actually to safeguard our emotions and happiness. From my experience I think that constant prayer and practical things like setting time limits on dates and talking on the phone, as well as hanging out with groups of people instead of constantly spending time alone will go a long way to help you keep your commitment to saving sex for marriage.
Until next time!

7 Damaging Sins Which Can Cripple Every Marriage

Did you know there are sins that can cripple every marriage?

Yes. There are.

You realize there are no perfect marriages because there are no perfect people.

Right?

Let me repeat that.

There are no perfect marriages because there are no perfect people.

Every marriage will have seasons that are more difficult than others. I often encounter couples in our church who think they are unique. Because we tend to put on our happy faces at church, they believe theirs is the only marriage in a bad season.

In fact, I’m convinced not understanding how many couples have weathered through these rocky places in marriage may be a reason many couples give up on their marriage. If they understood how normal they are they might be more willing to raise the white flag—ask for help—and work to restore the marriage.

I have observed over the years that there are some issues in marriages, which, if not addressed, can be crippling to the marriage. These are the “biggies.” They may manifest themselves in other ways, but if you could trace back to the origin, you would find these to be at fault.

And let’s not sugarcoat. They are sins. And we have all sinned. And we all sin. Every marriage is comprised of two sinners.

And this is the real reason there are no perfect marriages.

Left to fester on their own, these sins will eventually be the destroyer of the marriage or certainly keep it from achieving the oneness God commanded.

So, what are these damaging sins? I’m glad you asked.

Here are seven damaging sins that can cripple every marriage:

Selfishness—Marriage won’t work without mutual submission. Read Ephesians 5:21. Marriage is not a 50/50 arrangement. Ideally it’s to be a 100/100 bond—where both spouses willingly yield their all. (And I used the word ideal, because your marriage is not there and neither is mine.) When one spouse demands their way or will never work toward a compromise, the relationship can never be all it should be. One person is happy—the one who got their way—the other is miserable.

Discontentment—I’ve said before—boredom is perhaps the number one destroyer of marriage. There will be seasons in every relationship that aren’t as “exciting” as others. Some days you will “feel” more in love than other days. But the key to a long-term relationship is a commitment beyond emotion.

Pride—When one spouse can never admit they are wrong or see their own flaws, it opens the door for a wedge of bitterness in the other spouse. Pride is also destructive when the couple is too proud to admit their struggles or get the help they need.

Unforgiveness—Holding on to past hurts not only damages the marriage bond, it destroys the person who refuses to forgive. Trust can’t be developed until forgiveness is granted. And isn’t grace received expected to be extended?

Anger—The Scripture is clear—we should not go to bed in anger. And there is a reason. Anger is a wedge—one which only grows wider when not dealt with over time.

Complacency—As soon as you think your marriage is above the problems of other relationships, you’re in trouble. The enemy loves to attack the unaware.

Coveting—Couples who compare themselves to other couples will almost always be disappointed. There will always be people with more—and it likely isn’t making them as happy as you think it does. And, keep in mind, many times people disguise their struggles well. The couple you think has it all may wish they had what you have. Every couple is unique. Comparison only leads to frustration.

Ask yourself this question: Which of these is most prevalent in my marriage today? Which is causing the greatest harm? Which of these, while it may not be an issue today, could be if we don’t get serious about it soon?

Be honest with yourself—and ultimately—with your spouse. 

5 Ways To Refresh Romance

Keeping love and romance fresh and alive in marriage takes intentionality and thoughtfulness. In the early years of dating, engagement, and marriage the wonder and effort poured into a relationship can seem natural. Here are some simple ways to refresh your marriage this week. Choose one or all five as a way to pour your love on your spouse and let them know how much they mean to you.

1. Write

Take the time to write a note or letter expressing what you appreciate about your spouse. Our recommendation is to focus on character qualities and endearing personality traits. Choose three things to list out. If you can, give some recent examples of when you observed those traits in their lives.

2. Tell

Choose a time when you can have your spouse’s full attention. It may be over dinner, on a drive, or just before bed. Let them know that you have something positive you’d like to tell them (that way they don’t worry and you pique their interest!).

Let your spouse know how much you believe in them. Everyone needs a fan—a cheerleader—and God has placed you in that role for your spouse. Tell them what you believe about their future, where you see their abilities thriving, and the influence you believe they can have in the years to come.

3. Do

On a practical level, do a household task for them that they usually do. It may be something that you know they really don’t enjoy, or a task that is particularly time-consuming. When they ask why, just let them know you wanted to free them up to do something else they would enjoy more!

Another thing you might consider is to do a project that you know they’ve been wanting to have done for long time. You may have to wait a week or two to gather supplies or block off the time needed, but there’s nothing wrong with setting a date in the near future to accomplish a task that’s been “out there” for a while!

4. Ask

Proactively ask your spouse for two things you can be praying about in the coming week that are on their heart. Make the commitment to pray about those two things every day over the next week. You might even ask if you can pray with them right now about their prayer concerns.

Be sure to follow up next week and ask about those requests. It’s been said that “a shared burden is half a burden” and your desire to carry that burden in prayer will be refreshing to their spirit.

5. Express

Make the effort to show love to your spouse according to their love language.

The five love languages are: Quality Time, Touch, Gifts, Acts of Service, and Words of Encouragement. We’re all a blend of these, but each of us has a dominant style.

So this week, think through how you can simply express your love to your mate the way that will best connect to their heart. It might not feel natural because it isn’t your style, but it will be meaningful to your spouse.

As you practice any or all of these ideas, we believe they will refresh their heart and help keep the fires of love and romance alive as you build your marriage!