Here's How Long You Should Date Before Getting Engaged.

How soon is too soon?

Pavel Danilyk

You are absolutely, mind-blowingly, heart-meltingly in love, but there's just a small problem. You've only known the person for a few months or maybe only a few weeks. You're both hearing wedding bells, but that's crazy, right? Your brain tells you that you need to wait, but your heart… your heart wants to move faster so can start your forever. So, are you love drunk, or is your heart telling you a deeper truth? How soon is too soon to propose? and...

How Long Should You Date Before Getting Engaged?

This might not come as a shock, but there's no definition of what's "normal" when it comes to the question of "how long should you date before getting married?" Answers can vary from decades of dating to four days (wow!). Even though everyone—your parents and extended family members and friends—will have an opinion on the matter, from "You're jumping in too quickly!" to "It took him way too long to propose—are you sure?" there isn't a magic formula. Only you can know when you're ready to take the next step.

Give Yourself Time to Know Your Partner Through the Good Times and the Bad…

Some suggests that one to two years is often a good amount of time to date before getting engaged. I've worked with a lot of couples who have strong relationships, and they met and fell in love quickly and really got to know each other's friends and family," They got to experience what it's like to live with each other or spend a lot of time with each other, go through some life cycle issues, like the loss of a family member or the loss of a friendship, or going to a wedding or funeral and really getting to see each other in a lot of different contexts and feel like it's a good match. And generally, that can happen in a year...

You want to have some problems emerge and see how you deal with problems together. For me, it's more about the range of experiences that lend themselves to compatibility rather than the amount of time.

As you wonder if it's too soon to start talking about marriage with your partner, think about all the experiences you've shared. Have you faced major life challenges together? Have you seen them at their highest and their lowest? Have you had the time to learn about their family and background? Do you know their strengths and their flaws? There is no set time limit to gain this experience.

You can learn a lot about a person quickly, especially if you spend a lot of time together. Alternately, you can date someone for months and years and barely dig beneath their surface.

How Well Do You Communicate?

While each couple's situation is different, it's most important to learn how to communicate when you have a conflict, rather than focus on the time frame. Many couples wait until they are ready to have children, or ready to own property before they marry, there is no 'normal.'

Partners may have an implicit expectation of the length of an engagement that is based on their family, their culture and their community. Sometimes this is different for each partner, and if it is not significantly discussed in a very explicit way, it can lead to misunderstandings. If you're wondering how soon is too soon to propose, take a step back and make sure you and your partner have had those important conversations. You'll want to know your partner's expectations for your relationship. Now might also be a good time to discuss whether you want to have children, how you both deal with money and what you both want for your future.

Are You Past the "Romantic Love" Phase?

One thing to consider if you worry that your relationship is moving too fast is that you might still be in that initial lovey-dovey phase. You know what we're talking about. It's when you can't erase that goofy grin off your face, when every single thing your partner does is perfect and magical at the same time. There is no magic time frame when a couple should date before the engagement, but the rule for any happy and successful marriage is to realize this—all couples go through a 'romantic love' phase. This lasts anywhere from 2 days to 26 months, and then the couple will enter into the power struggle or the conflict phase of their relationship. This is natural and probably will last the rest of your marriage, or forever (the bad news). The good news—with conscious communication and planning, a successful marriage means that conflict is inevitable (it has absolutely no reflection on whether or not you are in a marriage that will last), but how you repair your conflict is much more important. 

Whether you are engaged, living together or married, work on healing your conflicts, create healthy communication and your relationship will last for the rest of your life together." So really, it doesn't matter whether you waited five years or five months to get engaged. When it comes to the question of how long should you date before getting engaged, the most important part is that you're confidently committed to one another. 

Do you agree or disagree? Give us your feedback at ndoatakatifu@gmail.com

Tips For creating a Successful Marriage – Share Your Dreams And Goals.

 

Lucxama and Sylvain

A marriage is never static. The two people, who make up the marital relationship, move on in their journey together through various stages of growth. Both as a couple and as individuals. This marital growth requires a great deal of commitment, trust, effort and reciprocity. Healthy and well-built marriages do not happen by chance, they are created by a lot of hard work.

The basic element of being one in marriage is companionship. Like friends, couples need to be open with each other about their interests, dreams and goals.

It is difficult for a married couple to deal with certain problems when there are no common goals established. Goals enable the couple to realize that they are not competing against each other, and help them to work together and support one another.

Married couples should cooperate and work towards these dreams and goals with all dedication and devotion. Do not give up if you and your spouse’s goals appear to be too different. Talk and recognize that you both have needs, and try to set goals that will enable both sets of needs to be satisfied. Often, as you share your dreams, you will discover that in fact you both have similar dreams and goals; it was just the direction that you each wanted to take was different. This difference of direction can then be dealt with as you talk.

Often when you take time to communicate with each other regarding your needs and motivations, you will be surprised to learn that you both have identical dreams and goals. This is likely to be what drew you together in the first place.

So what types of goals should you set? Goals can center on your children, the family as a whole, your individual careers, your possessions and your pastimes.

The following are guidelines to better understand and relate with your partner’s goals:

1. Know your spouse. Pay close attention to his or her habits and values.

2. Bond and respond. Whatever that goes on within your spouses life, in his/her career, you know that there are dreams and goals in each aspect. So be sensitive and take part; worry and celebrate in his/her accomplishments.

3. Let your spouse influence you. Be willing to share in his/her decisions. Understand his/her goals and when you do not agree at some point, at least support him or her…

4. Compromise. When your goals do not exactly match, know when to put the brakes if you feel that the conversation is becoming confrontational. Be calm and tolerant.

When you both have strong appreciation and understanding of all your dreams and goals you become closer together as a married couple, it makes married life a lot more pleasant and easier to handle. After all, you are partners in life.

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Welcome to Married Life-Time To Party.

 

Photo by Louis Quintero-Pexel

On the off chance that you've gotten past the wedding arranging and the big day easily (no quip proposed), at that point you're as of now on your way to an effective marriage. Marriage takes responsibility, bargain, and patience all of the things that you have expected to design an excellent wedding.

Here are a couple of definite words:

Have some good times.

At the point when everything comes down to it, your wedding should be a festival of you as a team. Disregard what the cake resembles; if its shaky, take pictures from an alternate point. On the off chance that the disk jockey is playing terrible music or the band is off key, what difference does it make?

Dance like a numb-skull with your nieces and nephews. Hit the dance floor with your mother or your father. Let free a little and quit stressing over what your hair resembles.

Have a great time. Simply be with and make the most of your new companion, family, and friends this is a gathering for your new coexistence, not a trial of your wedding arranging abilities.

Something consistently turns out badly at a wedding, so ride with it and manage it all that can be expected. In the event that it cannot be fixed most times nobody will take note.

Eat a little.

Something that couples forget on their big day is to have something to eat. Obviously, this implies that they should set aside some effort for themselves to plunk down and relax and why not? Require only fifteen minutes to have a little something to snack on. You’ll have much more energy to move until sunrise and more padding in your stomach for any great drinks that you may devour.

Converse with your family.

This might be one of only a handful multiple times that your whole family is together for a cheerful event. Go for an opportunity to stroll around and converse with everybody. Express gratitude toward them for coming and get some information about themselves. They most likely have wedding stories that they can impart to you also. Fortune this time you have together. Grin After the entirety of the pressure and the uproar, you are at long last at where you can loosen up a bit. Grin for the camera, grin for your companions, grin in light of the fact that you’re glad. Simply grin. There’s no compelling reason to keep down anything for being appropriate or grave. Grave is for memorial services. This is your opportunity to celebrate in being hitched.

Congrats!

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Stay Blessed!

My wedding Lit up a BFF Breakup.

 

"Planning a wedding can be an emotional night mare for your friendships."

Picture by Alexandr Podvalny-Pexel.

It’s New Year's Eve and I'm engaged! The first number I dial is my BFF, whom I've known since my Nursery and Primary School where we bonded over a love of eating out together and terrible passion for Church choir and praise n worship. And out of every relative and friend, I was most excited to tell her the news. Although we lived in different estates, we spoke on the phone every day, sent valentine’s presents every February and even went out for visits in Mombasa once a year. I didn’t have many friends growing up, and I lost the only sister when I was 14. My best friend was the only child in her family and didn't have many friends either. But we had each other.

And I thought my best friend forever is supposed to be my pillar through the hectic and exciting process of planning my wedding. After all, that's why we call them BFFs. Fast-forward three months and our friendship was over.

Have you ever experienced this? Inauma sana!

GOD’S MISSION FOR THE FAMILY.

Photo by Ketut Subiyanto from Pexel.

The image of God in my household begins with me:

1. Reflect the harmony of the Godhead.

2. Reflect the Heart of the covenant of God.

3. Reflect the Holiness of God’s Image as earth keepers.

Reflect the harmony of the Godhead.

The first family was put together against the back drop of cosmic rebellion and chaos. “Let us” is the language of harmony. Male and female were created to express and experience this harmony.

What is this harmony in the Godhead?

He exists as one God in three persons- each person uncreated, eternal, equal and fully God.

Three persons exist in relationship roles as Father, Son and Holy Spirit. This models headship and submission in equality and harmony. (perichoresis)

When sin entered the world, it ruined the harmony of marriage not because it brought headship and submission into existence, but because it twisted man’s humble, loving headship toward hostile domination in some men and lazy indifference in others. And it twisted woman’s intelligent, willing, happy, creative, articulate submission toward manipulative obsequiousness in some women and brazen insubordination in others. Sin didn’t create headship and submission; it ruined them and distorted them and made them ugly and destructive. – John Piper

Reflect the Heart of the covenant.

God’s original goal is to have godly offspring to reproduce faithfulness and in order to do that we have to model godliness. We have to model covenant not contract love.

A covenant says:

We will help each other more like Christ, we will hold each other accountable for our vows as long as we both shall live not as long as we both shall love changes “I DO” to “WE CAN” with God’s help.

There is a sea of uncertainty in our culture but when you are a covenant keeper an a vow maker, you create a hand in your own future of making something predictable and that is your response to whatever is brought your way.

Reflect the Holiness of God’s image as Earth keepers.

Life and order is the stamp of holiness, of health of wholeness.

People learn better when they are surrounded by tidiness, cleanliness, order and beauty. –Paul Kohls

Scripture references:

‘Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ’. -Ephesians 5:21,

‘Then God said, “Let us make man in our own image, after our likeness…”’Genesis 1:26,

Did he not make them one, with a portion of spirit in their union? And what was one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth -Malachi 2:15,

But Jesus called them to him and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them…even as the son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many -Matthew 20:25,28,

‘And God said, “Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the face of the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit. You shall have them for food,’ - Genesis 1:29.

 

Why Aren’t YOU Using This Marriage Saving Tip?

Couples argue in the street.

Do you find that things would just be so much easier if your spouse would do things your way? Most of the time, this just isn’t the case.

So you married your complete opposite, your relationship is stressful and the two of you can’t even agree on what to have for dinner. Does this mean that for the rest of your life, you are subject to the painful battle of fighting over your way vs. his/her way unless one of you gives in?

No! There is no need to argue over who does what which way. And most importantly, neither of you need to change who you are.

You’re about to learn the single most important marriage saving tip that can drastically lower your stress with your spouse. If you understand what you and your spouse value in life, you can cut your relationship stress in half! (Like I did with MY wife!) It’s true.

I developed this marriage saving tip after using it to transform my OWN marriage. My 7-year marriage is PROOF that this marriage saving tip can work for YOUR marriage!

Okay, let’s get started.

The first thing you need to do is talk with your spouse about the things you passionately believe in or feel strongly against.

You can start by discussing the little things in life that bug you (and no, I’m NOT talking about your spouse!)

Let me give you an example.

My wife absolutely HATES gum chewing. Now I’m not talking about people who silently chew their gum with their mouths closed, I’m talking about people who, when they pop a piece of gum in their mouth, EVERYONE knows it.

They pop their gum, smack and chew with their mouths wide open. Yes, I know it sounds trivial, but it absolutely drives her NUTS.

Now, if I didn’t know WHY this little pet peeve of hers drives her ‘up the wall’, I would simply think she’s crazy. I might even start becoming annoyed and aggravated whenever she starts to verbally attack the nearest irritating gum chewer.

Now here’s the part of this marriage saving tip that most people are not aware of,

EVERY one of your pet peeves, habits or BELIEFS are created by a memory or event from the past.

Take my wife for example.

The reason she despises people who pop and crack their gum is because HER MOTHER would do it without any regard for her feelings throughout her ENTIRE childhood.

My wife hated it THEN and she still hates gum chewing TODAY. It simply brings back too many painful memories. To her, a gum chewer might as well be scratching nails on a chalkboard or screeching a fork against a plate.

The main idea you should walk away with from this marriage saving tip is that you need to discuss with your spouse WHY you do things a certain way, WHY you hate certain things and WHY you love other things.

NOTE: Be sure to talk about the ‘problem areas’ in your marriage. That IS the point of this discussion after all. Give your spouse your perspective on ‘hot topics’ in your marriage which could be anything from punctuality, family values, religion, eating habits or even personal privacy.

Ask your spouse questions and have them do the same.

Ask questions like

1. Honey, when you were young, did your mother or father have a problem being on time?

2. What happened in your childhood that makes you hate clutter and messes so much?

WARNING: Don’t make this sound like an accusation! If you do, your positive discussion will be over!

When you ask your spouse these questions, s/he will probably struggle for words or not come up with an immediate explanation for WHY he or she does these things.

And that’s okay.

Try to jog his/her memory by recalling your own memories about this subject.

For example:

The reason I __ (fill in the blank) __ is because my parents __ (fill in the blank) ____ when I was a child.

Remember: You and your spouse were shown how to live by your parents or guardians. They shaped most of what you value and believe in today.

The point of this discussion is to understand WHY the two of you disagree on any given topic.

This will help the two of you accept each other because you’ll no longer feel threatened by your very different values in life.

So there you have it.

Use this marriage saving tip to get to the source of your problems instead of focusing on the ‘little issues’ (like gum chewing).

If you don’t know which values are causing conflict in your marriage, you’ll never be able to truly resolve your disagreements.

When I finally understood WHY my wife’s values were so different from my own, the stress in my marriage was DRASTICALLY reduced. I know you’ll find the same to be true when you put this marriage saving tip to use in your own marriage.

Give us your feed back at ndoatakatifu@gmail.com and remember to subscribe to this blog for more. Thank you!

11 Tips for The Matrimonially-Challenged.

Ahhh, jumping the broom. It’s not for everyone, but it’s manageable if you have the right information. I was completely caught off guard by some of the situations I’ve encountered in nearly eleven years of holy matrimony and if you’re not prepared, you’ll be running full speed ahead back to the single life. Fortunately, my husband and I loved each other enough to pull our family together and live happily ever after.

You say you want happily ever after also? Well, I submit to you a list of valuable lessons I’ve learned throughout the years. Of course, I can’t really promise you eternal love, but a few of these tips will save you from unnecessary suffering, guaranteed.

1. Be crowned the king/queen of two-timing BEFORE you commit.

In other words, it’s so much easier to play the field while you’re single, instead of getting married and deciding you want to see a whole lot of other people. Seems like this would be easy to figure out, right? Well, apparently it’s not. Some people don’t realize the big mess they’ve created until its way too late and they’re unable to come back from it. Can you say: Alimony, monthly child-support payments and a second job to support yourself? Not to mention various sexually transmitted diseases, some fatal.

2. Marry someone you are also friends with.

Declare to spend the rest of your life with someone who really likes you as a person, not just as a sexual partner. Sometimes, sex will be nonexistent for short periods of time (pregnancy, illness). If you and your better half like each other, as well as love each other, the foundation that was built on friendship will be more than enough to get you through those rough patches. Besides, being best friends with your spouse makes marriage so much more fun!

3. Don’t put your spouse on a pedestal.

Everyone makes mistakes, so leave room for plenty of them. If you’re looking for the perfect spouse and marriage you’re probably living in a fantasy world. Simple rules apply in our vows, but we all act a little human sometimes and vows become the hardest thing in the world to stick to. This is to be expected, so try not to come down too hard on your other half for not being a saint at all times and the two of you will be just fine.

4. Leave the past in the past Geez.

Are you still nagging about all those awful things that happened three years ago? Get over it. No one wants to hear the remix of how much of a jackass they used to be, especially when you all agreed to work it out and things are going great. If you just can’t stop bringing it up every five minutes, maybe it’s time to seek counseling. Otherwise, concentrate on the good things and push forward.

5. Put your spouse and children first.

Nothing is going to send you to divorce court faster than in-law drama. I know you want everyone to get along, but understand that you are not responsible for your mother, father or sibling’s happiness. Your main responsibility is to keep your house in order. If your parents and siblings can’t get with the program, be prepared to take a hiatus from them until they have learned to respect you and your mate. If something in them forbids them to do so, stay true to the one who really matters and that should be you. If you truly want a successful marriage, sometimes you have to learn to love from a distance.

6. Never disrespect your home

You already know your family hates your husband/wife, so stop going to them and talking behind his or her back whenever you two have an argument. One, it just makes your family loathe your spouse even more and two, your marriage is on the wrong track if you’re pouring salt on your significant other. Also, keep your house a home by not having the wrong people coming and going. This is bad for any relationship, married or not. Keep the drama queen/king out of your house, they’re only looking to start trouble.

7. Keep marital advice from someone who isn’t married to a minimum.

Realistically, you probably shouldn’t take marital advice from someone who has never been married, just like you probably shouldn’t take childrearing advice from someone who doesn’t have kids. I know it sounds a little harsh, but it makes sense. Would you take flight instruction from someone who has never even had flight training? I wouldn’t. In my experience, my unmarried friends have never said anything that could help my marriage. (Sorry guys, I know you tried, but…) Personally, I like to seek advice from older, experienced couples. There is no better way to prepare for marital warfare, than to get guidance from someone who has already been in combat and survived.

8. Support your husband or wife’s endeavors.

Why do you shoot down every idea your sweetie comes up with? Will it really kill you to be supportive for once? No one will exist on a single thought for the rest of their lives. Realize that people grow and with growth comes change. It’s understandable your spouse has aspirations outside of going to work and paying bills. Is your opposing attitude holding him back from starting that small business? Are you laughing her away from her dream of becoming an actress? Be supportive of your life companions dreams because if it works out for them, it will really work out for you.

9. Keep passion alive!

She used to wear sexy boy shorts while the two of you were dating, but since you’ve been married and had two children all she’s worn to bed are her gigantic granny bloomers. He used to say something flattering to you every day, but now he barely notices you. These are common complaints and it can wreak havoc in a marriage. Life is busy and we all get weary from our day-to-day affairs, but just remember to take a little time out to spoil your spouse every once in a while. Let them know that you haven’t forgotten about them and you appreciate all of their efforts. Show them that you are still the person they fell in love with even though life can get in the way. Your partner will surely return the favor.

10. Communicate often.

Talk to your spouse everyday about something other than the kids, the house, and the bills. Even if you don’t spend a lot of time in the house together, a cell phone will solve that problem. Be sure to get some time to yourselves; go out on a date every once in a while or just snuggle on the couch and talk about constructive things. In my opinion, communication is the key to a successful marriage. Who wants to spend the rest of their life with someone who won’t even talk? Who wants to have a disagreement, but not be able to discuss it intelligently? I’m a huge fan of heated discussions. At least we’re communicating; not going in a room, slamming the door and stewing for hours. Let’s hash it out, get it over with and make up. And who doesn’t like making up? Wink.

Don’t forget to:

11. Pray! Pray every day for your marriage, your home and children.

Prayer can bring reassurance and ease your mind when things go haywire. Do you know what would be even better? Pray together. You already know the saying, the family that prays together, stays together!